A Query:

When the hell did they stop making workout gear for the rest of us? You know, those of us who just want to go to the club, the gym, the track during lunch or after work two, three days a week just to run, do the elliptical trainer, or whatever, and don't want or need to look perky or sexy or buff, but don't want to look like a raggedy old slug either?

Because apparently they don't make plain old mid-thigh cotton or cotton-blend elastic-waist shorts anymore.

And before you perky, sexy, buff types (and especially you lean and mean runners) start lecturing me about the horrors of cotton, let me tell YOU that I don't run fast enough to need much wicking, and I wear my shorts loose enough that air circulates just fine, thank you very much. And I like the drape of my old, well-worn cotton shorts. Although it's not really the FABRIC that's the problem--I'm sure I could be persuaded to try some "smart fabric," depending--it's the length and the style that seem to be impossible to find these days.

Let me explain: I'm in serious need of some new running shorts. Tops too, but I can make do with old t-shirts in the winter. In summer, well, let's just say that wicking fabric is a good thing. But the shorts... sigh. My current shorts are so soft, so comfy. But they have torn seams in the crotch (meaning I have to avoid certain stretches in public), and the waistbands are fraying something fierce. Time to replace. So today I trot off at lunch to the nearest Target, and find, well, nothing suitable.

There were many pairs of stretchy running capris, which didn't really fit the bill. I don't mind the length so much (although I'd like something with a tad less coverage and cling for summer), but the tag said they "fall just below the waist." Isn't THAT special? Sorry, but I don't want to worry about my damned pants falling down as I promenade around the track, thank you very much. Or even the vague FEELING that my pants are going to fall down.

Then there were the French terry short shorts with the drawstring at the waist and "legs" that barely cover the curve of one's ass-cheeks. No way am I going to show off my upper thighs OR ass-cheeks--vintage 50+ years and counting--to my fellow perambulators.

I was so desperate that I went to the men's section to see if I could find plain old cotton gym shorts, but no. Even the men's shorts were too short (what, are we doing a back to the future turn on the 1970s basketball court again?) or made of some hideous material better suited to parachutes.

Which means I'll just have to bite the bullet and go to the running store (either in Evanston or online) and pay through the nose for shorts that are obviously so out of style that they can't be found even for cheap at any self-respecting big box.

Maybe it's a sign--If I get on the stick and lose weight and tone up and become that buff gal who likes to show it off, I could see myself prancing around in those short shorts. Maybe I would even spring for ones with a school name or witty word silk-screened across the butt.

But folks, that's going to take a while. And in the meantime, I need me some new shorts!!!