Temperance Physiology for Schools

Or, as I dubbed it when I uploaded the picture I took of this old educational aid, "Crazy Drunkard Chart."

As you know if you read the previous entry, my old school chum Lee and I kicked around the Fall Foliage Festival Art Show in beautiful downtown Waynesboro, VA in mid-October. The big W is our hometown, so it only made sense that, when the blazing October sun got a little too incendiary, we decided to duck into the Waynesboro Heritage Museum for an air-conditioned break. Now, I don't actually know if the WHM is air-conditioned or not, but as it is housed in the imposing stone pile that once was one of Waynesboro's premier banks, it has the cool aura only granite and marble can enclose.

It was nicely and neatly done, with well-edited exhibits and the promise (from the docent) that they were turning one of the two vaults into a replica of the late, lamented town landmark, Fishburne Drug Store. Fishburne's used to sit kitty-corner across Main and Wayne from the bank that is now the museum. It was an old-fashioned pharmacy, complete with dark wood cabinets and shelves lining the wall, the pharmacy lab in the back, and a marble and chrome soda fountain down one side. The city's philosophers, known to some (including most of my pals) as "old timers," used to congregate on the chairs outside the building and jaw and watch the passing small town scene. It was torn down in the '80s (or was it the late '70s?) to make way for another bank and a parking lot (please cue Joni Mitchell...). At any rate, apparently quite a bit of the interior was saved and stored, and now it will be on display again. Not quite the same as the real thing, but...

Anyway, the crazy drunkard chart was among the artifacts from some of Waynesboro's long lost school buildings, although upon even the most cursory of glances, one can see that it takes extensive liberties to drive home its temperance message.

Let's take a closer look:

First, we have images of the temperate man and the moderate drinker. Notice how pleasant, calm, and comely the teetotalling gentleman is. Aside from a well-groomed moustache, he is clean-shaven, neatly turned-out, firm of jaw. And he's carrying a history book! The moderate drinker is also well-groomed, but sports a tad too jaunty goatee and a mildly tousled hair style, and he gestures just a bit too wildly with his cigar-wielding hand as he lifts his glass with the other. Actually, they both look rather like panty-waists (to use the parlance of the times), don't they? Not that there's anything wrong with that... but it seems a strange tactic to use such lads as examples to lure young men away from the evils of drink, doesn't it?


Ah, but now we get to the horror story, the lurid depictions of those who drink to excess. Those would be the hard drinker and the hard drinker experiencing the DTs. What a brute the hard drinker is! Look at that scruffy beard! Look at that bulbous nose (although I warn you, kind reader: you have not seen anything yet...). But one would not in any way mistake HIM for a panty-waist. And man, when he gets the DTs, he can't even keep hold of his bottle--but he appears to be a tad better shaven, even if his attire is more slovenly. What's up with that? The eyes are a nice touch, though, don't you think?

But wait! There's more!

As you can see from the image of the entire poster, there are diagrams of various organs that are adversely affected by heavy drink and smoking. As such internal problems usually don't even register with teenagers (whom I presume were the target of these lessons--you don't think they'd trot this thing out to show little kiddies now, do you?), they subtly work in cosmetic abnormalities caused by excessive drinking and smoking as well:



Check out the true grossiosity (is that a word?) of "Smoker's Cancer." Jeez. The threat of lung cancer (and my dad's constant hacking) kept me from taking up the tobacco habit. I must say, this is much more dramatic. I would think that this hideous lip was not so much due to smoking as it was to failing to get the lesion seen to by a doctor before it took over. Sheesh.

Then there is "The Rum Blossom." Ew. Just, ew. At least this guy's eyes aren't crossed.

But really... don't you think there's just a teensy, eensy, weensy bit of exaggeration going on?

Don't get me wrong--there are plenty of reasons to avoid drinking and smoking to excess or at all...why not be straight with kids?

Case in point:



Now I ask you: how dim does one have to be to fall for these "pulses"? My guess is that kids then, as now, didn't take kindly to being hornswoggled.

Well, it provided us with several minutes of amusement, neverthless...